My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
Seriously. Destroy her vagina. Do it like an angry baboon mating with a gentle manatee.
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
I refrained from asking a guy what he spilled on his dick because it smelled good. Morals.
It's called being normal.
She told me I made the cut, and to write my name and number on the white board by the door. I was the 7th number down.
I heard that clinking noise from behind me and I already knew you were whipping out a Smirnoff in class. Again.
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
Ordained minister or not I hereby renounce all moral responsibility for any and all related occurrences
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
I think the worst part about being a real adult is 1)having a high stress job that makes me want to get stoned 2)paying for reefer using my own money 3)realizing my boyfriends children probably have more weed connections than I do anymore
Haha never eat brownies from a guy with batman pajamas
Did I tell you I drunk fucked my one roommate last week
Uh no
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