I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
I just overhead some girl saying that she's trying out for the real world so she has a backup if she doesn't get into teach for america...
obviously my correlation between being a pro surfer and being extremely good in bed was 100% wrong.
I knew it was different as soon as you told me you slept with him and didn't tell me about his dick
there seems to be a considerable amount of hair missing from my left hand. i may have lit it on fire again
He makes me wish my vagina was bigger... This must be what love feels like.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
We're in the kiddy pool eating marshmellows and drinking wine out of a box. Please dress casual.
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
i can't invite random hot hobos into my aunt's house.
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
Randomize
