I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
Drinking Grey Goose on the toilet. Don't make me graduate.
all they had in the fridge was rum and filled water balloons
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
All I remember is yelling RUN as fireworks started going off in the kitchen. Who said that was a bad idea?
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
I am a 5'4" ball of sexual frustration and vodka. It is that kind of night.
A thong just fell out of my purse in front of my whole class maybe I should stop using this morning class as my walk of shame
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
I'm just glad you didn't end up in Staten Island
I woke up naked holding a taco. My ass couldn't even make it to my bed let alone Staten Island
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