you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
Is it weird that I found myself thinking of that blue chick from Avatar while she gave me head after the movie?
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
Where'd you guys get the alcohol from?
Oh. Some homeless guy we picked up from I-70. He bought us $400 worth of alcohol in exchange for a shower.
...... wtf.
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
I understand where he's coming from but I don't want this alcohol to revolve around relationship
Wait
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
So we came to a decision, you need to fuck your hot roommate and send us pictures. We voted, so don't hate the democracy this great country stands for
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
I know you are gonna wanna ask a lot of questions but when we are home I need to cover your face with deli meat and photograph it
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
And somehow i feel like your expectations will turn out to be illegal in some way.
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
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