I just beat off to a cartoon porn video. what has my life come to
she complimented my bra when we were hooking up. this lesbian thing has its upsides
Just whacked off in the middle of writing a paper, gave me great ideas. Note, should do this more often.
I've come to realize time passes slowest when I'm sitting in class, waiting for microwavable foods, working out, & giving head.
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
I had to drink a couple beers this morning so I could attend the keg race. Hangover had to dissipate or it wasn't happening.
Well Apparently I went to piss out my window last night, woulda been ok if I opened the window or the blinds.
I have a LOT of reasons to worry about radical feminists taking my lady balls, frankly. A lot.
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
I smell like heartbreak.
Tequila and sloppy rebound sex?
How did you know?
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
So what happened at girls night? My roomate found me passed out locked out on the front steps of the house and it was raining. Yes low moment
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