Drunk x Brooklyn = problems getting home. If I don't make it you can have my computer and my bitches. You're welcome.
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
friends with benefits? more like friends with awkward sexual tension
how opposed are you to picking me up at the bar at 11:00am?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just ran four miles to popeye's. And back. Dedication.
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
Just text him and be like do you want this pussy or not. You have three seconds to respond.
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
he brings me coffee and gets a blow job. not sure if I trained him or he trained me or it's simply mutually beneficial beautiful.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
I just hooked up with a one legged Australian guy. Hooray diversity!
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
He shampooed and conditioned his pubes but can't manscape for shit.
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
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