He better hope I dont die soon. Because I would haunt his bitch ass and cock block 24/7
I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
My workout was carrying 2 cases home from the grocery. It's Bowl Week.
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
Well my dad thinks I wake up at 3 or 4 am every day. Really it is just all the booty calls, but I'm glad he thinks I am so motivated
I fucked my cousin and caught chlamydia this year. I can't really harbour any illusions about myself anymore.
Oh great. I guess I'm second on that list now that we've confirmed she's not a lesbian AND that was her sister.
i don't find him as attractive when he's dressed as himself...bring back Indiana jones and I would so fuck him again
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
I did not get pleasing results from googling “Bob Ross goat”
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
Randomize
