I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
I use him for alcohol and he uses me for sex. This is the closest thing to love i could imagine
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
We found you in the middle of the road chucking gravel because "the house was too far away".
Concert was great. Tackled the lead singer. Met him afterwards. He was cool about it.
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
Well, we ended up labeling the relationship. We are now each other's designated butt-toucher.
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
Can I just fuck someone without it basically becoming an arranged marriage
rock bottom is drinking straight vodka from a protein shaker, singing one direction and crying alone in your room. exams.
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
I need to get laid. Right now that freshman frat pledge & my Econ professor are the leading candidates
That’s quite a spread
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