I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
It started with Hannah Montana and ended with alcoholism.
Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
Somewhere along the night we ended up at a food lion giving jello shots to high school girls.
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
Oh I love our desires, it's riding my bike at 2 AM with a massive erection that I dislike.
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
The amount of drugs I did this weekend make me concerned about my health but at the same time fascinated to see if I could do more
Want to do me the honour of waxing my legs again before I go to Mexico? I feel like it's a tradition we shouldn't break.
I sent him a topless photo and he complimented my eyes. I'm not sure if I'm offended or pleasantly surprised.
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