running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
I sent her a Relationship Request on Facebook last night, she accepted and we fucked.. I changed my Relationship Status to Single, I think she'll get the point
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
okay, please tell me Cammy is the one who put the picture and note on my desk saying "beat off to this homeboy"
I was looking at your puke while I was peeing in it the next morning and that ceasar salad did not treat you well
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
If we can put a man on the moon, I'm sure we can turn a pringles can into a bong.
I did not appreciate your texts about spanking at 3'o'clock this morning.
All I've been thinking about for the past 12 hours is sex and SEAWORLD
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
I wouldn't hate if he could handle a sex only type of ship. I really don't want to use the word "relation" in front of that.
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
Randomize
