fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
just won the tropical speedo for $11. i didn't know they sold pussy magnets that cheap
bruce springsteen sings some of the most romantic songs i've ever heard.
the hells wrong with u
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
So recap time do u remember biting that girls hand?
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
Chris threw beer can at guy. Guy ended up being a fighter. Chris got his eye socket broke. Fighter got hand re-broke. Chris is passed out. Fighter is in kellys bed. everybody won last night. I think.
Aparently i was the only guy at her parents bbq throwing up in the pool so Im the asshole right...
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
What happened last night dude?
YOU SHIT ON MY FUCKING COFFE TABLE THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!
I would like to reiterate that I went to give lessons and ended up having a three way instead
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
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