I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
BLOW JOB GIRL IS IN WALMART
Some people actually refer to her as Kaitlyn you know.
Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
she was throwing up and singing "I HAD a feeling that tonight was going to be a good good night." And yeah she was still in her dress.
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
Okay I shall begin. Thank you Swedish chef
Hurrfy smmurdshy burrfst!
That is the exact response I was looking for.
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
whenever i get involved w someone i'm gonna give you their number to testify to the fact that they should not fall in love with me
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
Randomize
