So she started giving everyone lap dances, and i was like "i think i like this chick"
He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
And then he tried to clean the throw up off my pants with 409
Whatever. I'm just trying to get my dick sucked while taking online harmonica lessons
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
I send him pictures of my tits whenever I feel like he's paying too much attention to his girlfriend.
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
Please tell me that chemistry equipment is for chemistry and not for producing felonies.
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
there was so much lube in my brother's closet...
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
Randomize
