I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
let me know it goes. try not to get bit. and if you can, get someone to videotape it.
im learning from these one night stands last time i came in her this time i came on her AND deleted every contact in her phone!
She checked into foursquare right as she left work so he would think she was there late and not on some other guy's dick
I have to say for barely passing high school, that girl is a genius.
im probably shirtless right now with a bottle of jack watching horton hears a who. this is a judgement free zone.
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
Her boyfriend was wrestling another girl. But, she said she was okay with it because she kept checking for boners--w the back of her hand like she was checking for a fever
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
He gave me my financial savings if I invested with him while I was giving him a bj.
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
Found this cake smashed up inside a box on the sidewalk. Im saying yes to adventure and eating some.
Taking a nap. Sidewalk cake kicked my ass. It had boston creme filling!
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
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