we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
there's a girl in the library on mysapce. she must have missed the memo.
just skyped with my friend to listen in on the people talking shit about me in the library. creepy or strategic?
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
Sorry we're taking so long, this weed cake tastes amazing with Tabasco sauce on it.
She has a tattoo on her inner thigh that's an x with a long dotted line. So after she passed out I signed it. Dunno what else I was supposed to do...
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
Woke up on the couch with one cowboy boot on and a hat over my crotch. God bless texas.
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
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