I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
woke up to an overdrawn credit card. did you order the dawsons creek boxset last night?
i hope so.
He def has a gf... But hes 7 feet tall and that superceeds any morality I may have.
Did you blow the guy you weren't supposed to hook up with again in the bathroom of pita pit? Cause that happened last night...
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
Got high with dad and hunted squirrels in the basement. Is this seriously what my life has come to?
Don't even start with me. You know damn well if you walked into a bathroom with two girls naked in the shower you would stay too. Regardless how drunk I was or whether or not you were my ride.
We have a nice shopping list..vibrators and roller blades
Priorities
there's cocaine on the ipad again........... was your sister here last night?
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
after what u told me last night I think we're past the wtf zone and at this point u should just join me in wondering if my barista lover is a gay porn star
The ecstacy made me so dehydrated I started licking condensation off car windows
MANIFESTATION IS REAL AND IM GETTING LAID TONIGHT
Tell me that I didn't just get ash in my Russian and just mix it TF in bc who cares and life has no meaning.
Randomize
