im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
Freshman orientation day on campus. Dear diary, JACKPOT.
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
in the future when you find clothing in your street, just assume it's mine.
I mean there are things broken right and left, I woke up surrounded by dog statues, and we had a vodka bubble bath.
Please tell me you're not home alone watching Glitter.
Can you see in?
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
If I die bedazzle my coffin please.
I love you.
Bad choice
Randomize
