Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
The guy i fucked last week got done first on the test in my 900 person class. If im pregnant at least it will be smart.
I bought a nasal spray, my nose needs to be in order by the weekend
She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
So you used a whole package of smoked meat last night. Didn't eat it, just took it out and put it all over the fridge.
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
I'd return your shirt, but it got all wet from lying on the bathroom floor while I was in the shower with Justin's roommate...
Keep it.
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
Tequila should only be paired with the finest of dick
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
Randomize
