Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
Just saw a car with license plate GYPSYS that was full of gypsies
do guys with small dicks even attempt to pursue romantic relationships?
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
She climbed through the window and into my bed. Not even sure who she is. Was thinking she might be a friend of yours?
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
You rolled around in the grass BEFORE we went in and said it was because "ladies love that eau de earth"
I knew it was going to be good when he took off my bra and I only realized 5 minutes later
All I've done this weekend is cum and drink. I think it's safe to say I'm dehydrated.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
I wouldn't say I LOVE Pacman. I mean, sure, I'd battle against you in an epic Pacman struggle for blow jobs and glory. But I mean, who wouldn't?
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
She used a candle as a shot glass.. A FUCKING CANDLE BRO!!
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
Randomize
