Billy Mays is dead too!
Somewhat annoying American icons better be watching their backs
She challenged me to a game of rock-paper-scissors for her virginity. I love this girl.
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
It's 10am. I'm hungover wearing a flyers jersey and a phillies hat and eating a cheesesteak. I'm not the only one. Best city ever.
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
Dude..this is the third year in a row me and him have fucked at a super bowl party..does that count as a tradition?
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
Come on down you're the next contestant on "lets go drinking!"
I guess I was blacked out I hopped a fence and hugged a cow that night.
Sexy intern needs to have caveman sex with me
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
thank god my bra was in my purse... were all good
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
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