bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
you tipped EVERY employee at white castle
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
Like many of my risky ideas this has "burned genitals" written all over it
Yeah that's one way to look at it on the other hand MY FUCKING BED CAUGHT ON FUCKING FIRE
You sucked on the drag queens heel. It got that rough.
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
I can't tell you details but at one point I had her pee strapped to my back in a ziploc
But Alex is drunk in Philly and I told him to come see me so that's "first-love,-drunk,-high,-and-it's-a-snow-day-hook-up-with-an-ex" points. 69
I've smoked enough weed to put down a pony.
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
I don't trust my subconscious. It sleeps with my exboyfriend sometimes.
i puked in a jesus candle last night and then denied it... i'd say it was a pretty alright night
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
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