There's a dildo in the cheerios box here...
I've officially moved beyond college drinking. I just got business drunk at an internship seminar.
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
I am at 2.05 miles in under 11 minutes. So either this thing is broke or I should always work out wasted.
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
Now back to adults eating hotdogs.
A little light bondage fun never hurt anybody (erotic asphyxiation excluded). Car batteries attached to reproductive organs have.
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
I'm not worried. All I have to do is not be the drunkest painter at 8:00. Golden.
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
So her ex boyfriend came up a lot in conversation while I was fucking her. Is that weird?
Who the fuck has a conversation during sex?
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
Randomize
