Last-second stop at the drug store for lube and condoms. Clerk said "So uhmmm...that's a done deal, huh?"
High five!
So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
I'm graduating. Then you'll never see me again.
We better fuck soon then
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
She's crying about either her ex boyfriend, her one night stand, or her own puke. None of those is worth the tears.
Dude, did you fall in a toilet on the way over here?
Was face down in one actually. Bars 2, Drew 0.
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
After we had sex he told me it was a "goodbye gift". We haven't talked since.
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
okay yeah but you've seen me eat jambalaya naked
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
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