I could make wine with my vomit
There is no way when we get home that nothing will hapen
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
She told me I should be a condom model.
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
guy just got out of the car at the drive in and told his girlfriend "fuck you and your taco" and walked off
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
some dude just accurately guessed my height and bra size.. that is cup AND inches around. creepy, yet impressive
Is it okay to get drunk at a baby shower? ....asking for a friend
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
I jerked off 12 hours ago exactly. I owe it to my penis to get laid.
They got skeletons in the booths to enforce social distancing.
Thought they were weekend at berniesing that shit at first.
Randomize
