he's the Salvador Dali of pubic shaving
I just threw up, I'm either bulemic or pregnant, and I'm now accepting bets on which it is
I just sat in the Taco Bell drive-thru waiting for a trash can to take my order. Yes, that high.
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
I don't see what kind of idea someone could get from an envelope covered in jesus stickers and a note from a person and their dog. I'd say crazy person alert before flirting.
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
i want to live in a society where a 20 year old can wear pigtails and not get them called handlebars, because i look fucking adorable in them.
Anddon't worry about me I have my Darth Vader flashlight
I had jack at 8 am= instant drunk
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
We only initially bonded over boobs and sarcasm
His beard looks like it smells like beer, cocaine and old pussy juice
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