so Mike and I made a deal. we'd do anal if he would help me pick out carpet tomorrow.
What...you let him do that?
It wasnt that bad. the two minutes it took is nothing compared to the 10 hr day I have planned for him tomorrow
I kind of had a moment like that kid whose mom cancelled his WoW subscription, except I didn't try to shove a remote control up my own ass.
is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
Thanks for the birthday present, i had so much fun playing with it
Are you talking about my vagina?
yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
The heaters out again. Makin a fire in thebroke toilet for warmth.
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
She hash-tagged my name. I think it's safe to say that she remembers our hookup.
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
there are no losers in shot checkers. only winners.
you missed 2am bagpipes and my roommate looking hot as fuck in a kilt
My apartment is also really close to an alcohol rehab in case I get out of hand
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
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