Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
Alosmot hir two of of mt mailanoxwa
Oh Jesus.
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
I feel like death gave me a hand job
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
I'll come hang out with you guys later, but right now my parents aren't home and I have to take full advantage of being able to watch porn on full blast.
We compared her boobs to bacon. I'm probably going to have to justify that.
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
I'm not saying it wasn't great. I'm just saying sleeping with a gassy, depressed,45 year old mother was a different experience. Would do it again though.
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