i'm all for saving the environment, but when we get into the shower to fuck, he shouldn't flip his shower hourglass timer
this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
When we ran out of red solo cups we switched to Starbucks cups for beer pong... Who doesn't want to live in Seattle?
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
His band may suck, but it's not like I'm sleeping with all of them.
I wouldnt consider it a good Wednesday if there wasn't any projectile vomit involved
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away
So far we've hooked up on a pool table, on a public bathroom counter and now in a little league baseball dugout. We haven't even made to a house yet.
The DJ was throwing glowsticks into the crowd and managed to smack one guy in the face with them
You're the only person I know who would go to New Jersey to give a blowjob and I have so much respect for you for it
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
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