it's like sucking your thumb. only its not yours. and its a penis.
She sucked my dick when I had a concussion. It was the coolest feeling ever but the doctor said it was a bad idea. He's obviously gay.
there is mayo everywhere what the fuckkkk
You kept yelling "wood grain wheel" and grinding on fat chicks.
The hell is wrong with me
I know it I should, but it's kinda nice. It's smells like unbridled enthusiasm and copious amounts of melt your face off sex.
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
i just tried to use a string cheese as a light source
You lit a fire in my vagina no man can extinguish.
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
Randomize
