I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
the easter KEGG...out of a drunken typo there arose a new and spectacular holiday tradition
We need to go to the store an get depends. I really don't want to be bothered with the bathroom this weekend.
It's gotten to the point that the dirty talk in my head when I touch myself has your accent
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
I feel like I just rode a horse, did a million jumping jacks, ran a marathon and need a carton on cigarettes. best sex hands down... EVER
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
Would be fun, plus since its in public I'll keep my penis in my pants
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
One day when i undoubtedly need an intervention please let it include lightsabers.
I think I can handle that.
Randomize
