first i yelled "you cant get it up?" and then in the middle of it i opened a Corona
You taught me that having a dip while u shit is awesome. I appreciate u for that
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
We pinky-swore to never fuck each other again.
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
I only know one person in my class and that's my dealer.
we watched a guy take a shot of tequila while riding a unicycle
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
Randomize
