dude. i was so high. i watched shrek in russian.
So he sent me a text that said "say hi to your vajayjay for me"
Was there any message he wanted you to relay to your asshole?
my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
She's like a pop up book from hell.
I'm already at the bar. It's 2 PM. Help
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
Let's get a hotel room this time. I really don't want to sleep in a Dennys parking lot again.
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
My makeup bag looks like it has lips and wants to sing to me... Too high?
Sorry for trying to wake you up by slapping your ass with a fruit 2 go.
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
Randomize
