I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
this episode of spongebob makes me wish crabby patties were real
I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
i will be blacked out in the shower. come get me. 20 mins.
it's not like i was drunk to the point of NEEDING help...i just wanted someone to offer to hold my hair or something.
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
hope your day is as exciting as mine- one of our trauma patients just stole an ambulance out of our bay... WITH AN EMT STILL IN IT.
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
I need a genital shamwow being this wet.
The port-o-potty that I peed in last night didn't actually have a toilet in it. And i never told anyone until this moment.
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