So my mouth tastes like dick. Does that explain how our talk went?
Just try to make good decisions...remember our convo we had about morals the other day?
Turn them off?
I don't know if you realize how depressing it is to get your card denied....when you're only spending $4.
During sex he wiggled his hips and said "I'm turning the ice cream" Deal breaker?
you kept say ridiculous things then repeating them in perfect classical latin. You are onee intelligent drunk
I'm going to start telling people I'm a sophomore so they stop asking me about college and what I want to do with my life
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
Oh man, buzzed lunch fridays almost got out of hand.
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
Cover your phone. Photos of streaking frat guys incoming.
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
Dude he's moving to fucking Germany now. What is it about your vagina that makes men want to flee the continent?
And he's back on taking these stupid testosterone supplements to kickstart him back into working out. And they just make him angry and horny all the time. I'm like great, just in time to meet my whole family for Christmas.
its 2pm and were already starting beer pong...its gonna be a good night
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