Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
He keeps the condoms in his bible. I guess stairs or elevator, we're getting to hell one way or another.
Someones grandma was rubbing my back. I'm way too high for this.
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
Taco Bell. She just parked, got out of the car mid drive-thru, ran to the dumpsters, pissed, then ran back and drove up in the line.
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
The band last night was really good
That was definitely karaoke. Guess that answers my follow up question on how drunk you were.
call me with an emergency in 5 min. This chick has a strap on hangin behind the bathroom door.
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
He brought me flowers and then spanked me with a Doctor Who paddle. Pretty good night, as these things go.
Awwwwwww!
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
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