god I hate her. why can't she just fuck and leave like a normal slut.
It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
Gotcha. Well, I'm puking and trying to keep down water from a mug that says "love the moment" around the rim. Not loving this particular moment.
Yes. I am getting trashed on an open tab while judging a karoke competition
Impressive. I approve.
Her vagina was like a painting you can put your face in.
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
Awake! can you bring me my pants...im under the couch
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
I just bought a mini nerf gun so he could make a bowl out of it, I deserve the fuck buddy of the year award!
my mom is feeding me weed brownies...god help us
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