if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
her boobs were like sundried tomatoes..
Man now I have poo on my blackberry!!!
brownberry?
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
I've been very busy/drunk lately... Sorry.
you two really need to work out your issues. my vagina can't handle another week of your pent up frustrations.
I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.
I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
Like for real, is your junk ok? I have to look after my investments.
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
Clothes make me feel like a responsible adult and that's just not something I'm ready to handle.
Got caught up in a real life love triangle. Both guys wanted me. I'm tempted to just run off with the cute girl from McDonalds instead
Please do that
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
Randomize
