i just fell asleep at my computer and i woke up and in the google bar it said delicious foods to eat
I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
I AM SAFE. EVERYTHING IS FOG. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
him being a republican bothers me way more than his coke problem.
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
There's a possibility I may have hooked up with that British guy...
Possibility? You left the door open! Everyone saw!
you tried to make the parrot smoke your joint
I'm sorry, but if I hear stories of you getting fingered in the ass, and selling weed, you are not coming to my party.
Randomize
