someone threw a dead crab at me
I asked her if she had any t-shirts of bands that didn't suck. I got a Sublime shirt and my answer.
Imagine if sharks could walk on land...scary.
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
I JUST WOKE UP ON A TRAIN
I SHUDNT B ON A TRAIN
So my prents justed posted "DO NOT DISTURB" on facebook and i just heard their door shut and lock...I'm leaving
Apparantly 7 1/2 Vicodin is a 1/2 too many.
Also, did that cop draw hearts on everyone's hands last night?
The last thing I remember is stabbing him with his diabetes medicine
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
Dealing with people is so much easier after you've had an orgasm or 4.
its a recording of you guys having sex?!
its actually 30 minutes of him begging and then 2 minutes of sex.
Randomize
