i just google imaged poop.
i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
just found out there is no tactful way to ask your girlfriend to wax her stache. no matter what a google search would have you believe.
I think a girl in front of me glued an ugg tag to a weird pair of boots.
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
My mouth holds just enough water for my bong
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
i'm now remembering the last part of my nigght....ugh. apperently i bargained with the wendys drive up girl after they closed and got "w/e they had left" for $7
Long story short I ended up getting choked out by a really hot guy in the girls bathroom at a bar last night
Ahhh, the bane of our relationship.... His mediocre penis
You ran up to my room. I was naked. You refused to leave without drugs. I love you.
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
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