Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
this kid at 40 friday greeted another kid by saying "heeey farmville neighbor"
dude.
yep. needless to say i didn't meet anyone and spent yet another friday night masturbating.
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
Did the game of beer pong go wrong before or after the cops and fire department showed up?
I should have questioned it early on when they said bring beer and chocolate syrup
in the middle of fucking he asked me if i had gotten a haircut because he noticed i didnt have split ends anymore. i dont know what to think
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
he showed me his third nipple on the first date. I might have low to no standards, but my god.
Oral stamina is what keeps life exciting
We somehow ended up in Oklahoma. Nick's been crapping for two hours and I'm afraid to call a doctor because who the hell knows what sort of stuff goes down in the middle of nowhere. So not a great long weekend really.
Randomize