im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
Being a girl sucks.
Being a boyfriend sucks for about a week, too
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
we should hire that guy that makes pancakes that we met last weekend for our next party. He can feed us, and regulate!
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
Drunk. The frashmen love me. Give them. Toilrt paper. And shiots
Have you resumed life with the rest of the world yet or are you still huddled in the fetal position while wearing compression gear?
But I aced my quizzes. Apparently flash card beer pong is an acceptable form of studying.
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
I probably shouldn't be taking relationship advice from my side piece...
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
Randomize
