oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
this morning he rolled over looked at me and said "oooo, you look like i need a drink" and then put on his clothes and left without another word
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
Our new goal for this summer is to fuck so hard we lose his security deposit.
He ripped off his socks and ran around the basement barefoot. His feet turned black. Then he chugged Parmesan cheese. He chugged dry cheese dude.
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
I'm far too poor to be letting my hookups wear my shirts home. I'm down to about a total of 8 shirts and have no intention of buying more
Come here I'm naked
And I want mozzarella sticks
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
NO. NONE OF THAT. SHAME ON YOU.
I'm so high right now that I winked back at a character in this TV show.
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
Randomize
