You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
He just went up to bed, still drunk from last night, carrying a pear, a pipe, and an unopened bottle of wine. I think he'll be fine.
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
Most eventful shower ever. Jacked off, peed and puked in there.
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
I just want to nap all the time and eat Chinese food.
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
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