I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
so Mike and I made a deal. we'd do anal if he would help me pick out carpet tomorrow.
What...you let him do that?
It wasnt that bad. the two minutes it took is nothing compared to the 10 hr day I have planned for him tomorrow
i'm out of smokes so i just had an after sex popsicle. this might become an addiction.
sorry about last night, I don't know what happened but I woke up this morning and looked strikingly similar to courtney love, it had to be bad.
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.
Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
we where pretty evenly matched until he threw me through that wall
Make good choices ;) This is your automated cockblock message
Liz is crying about burritos again.
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
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