i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
I definitely didn't wake up this morning thinking "i wanna get gang banged today"
OMG HE JUST PUKED WITH THE DOOR OPEN WHILE DRIVING ON THE ROAD AND OMG WE NEED TO CHAT BUT NOT ATM CAUSE THERES PUKE ON MY PHONE
I stole another quarter from the bathroom. I'm slowly getting rich drinking here.
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
I was pissed last night bc this girl didn't want to have sex but offered to reimburse me for the condoms. That just made me upset
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
You know what? I bet HE would do stormtrooper roleplay with me. I'm in.
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
Im just using you for your dick and your superb survival skills if needed.
We told you to act sober so to prepare yourself you started doing squats and stretching then you slapped yourself and walked in
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
We were supposed fuck one time, but ended up fucking for 2 years.
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
Randomize
