he thinks he's going to hurt your feelings
He can't hurt my feelings
I don't have feelings.
i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
JoAnns office is warmer than mine. . .it must be because she has the gateway to hell under her desk.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
Ya. I was the definition of a shit show. I woke up outside my door when my alarm went off
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
I had to ask. I mean when you get a snap chat of a nipple you have to ask who's it is.
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
Why do so many fanfic writers want to see hockey players get pregnant?
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