There needs to be a term for a female version of a rusty trombone
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
Come find me, I'm the girl sitting alone in taco bell at 9 in the morning drinking concealed beer with a straw
How exactly do I approach the whole "Well that was fun. Am I purchasing the Plan B or you?" topic?
if I open my eyes, my head will explode. that hungover.
We could have casual sex if you want. But I can't offer a bromance to a woman.
I know but we're going to blackout city so it'll probably be warm there
O was like, nah, fuck 50-50. My version of bi is that i'm 80% gay, 20% drug-addled decisions. Apparently he's straight on hallucinogens.
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
I know I may be showing my age by saying this but this is the first time I have been eaten out in the parking lot behind the Clairmont Inn since 1990
Randomize
