My hair reeks of homosexuality.
I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
you kept calling numbers in ur phone book and saying, "I love your show, I'm a long time listener, first time caller."
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
He is like the "hometown sweetheart", but a huge freak. Like "I'll come change your flat tire"....but then fuck you like an animal in the back seat.
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
Long story short I'm making an I'm sorry card for a girl I dont remember having sex with
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
Day one of being single and I've came three times. I can get used to this.
Tempted to tell the Titos promoters at this bar that they are doing the lords work.
I threw up in 4 different Starbucks across the city before 9 am.
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
