Sorry, I don't speak sober.
im learning from these one night stands last time i came in her this time i came on her AND deleted every contact in her phone!
Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
Can't a girl send out a 4 pm booty call anymore
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
I feel like someone had their period in my eyes.
I'm sorry I got a little outta control last night.
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
I just realized I donated our bong to goodwill.. RIP Kimbo Slice
You suck, She hit so hard.
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
no it was not a "magical experience". After we dropped, he just sat there staring at my laptop going "apple makes beautiful things".
just woke up. hair smells like weed and bbq. shins are bruised. vague memory of us chasing deer at the park at 3 am. fill me in on what exactly happened.
We're listening to drake in the middle of the woods and smoking two joints at once...my life is complete.
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
Randomize
