I cant take that shot because i want my penis to stay hard.
take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
two words: eviction party
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
She actually pushed her roomie out of the way and said 'You already fucked him it's my turn!'
Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
I'd say I'd distract him, but I lose my psychic powers when guys get girlfriends. And by psychic powers I mean taking off my top.
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
There they were doing the deed on the beach, looked like two seagulls fighting over a chicken bone.
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
Randomize
