The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
if you were to get worldwide popularity from playing guitar with a plastic yellow bat while drunk on YouTube, would you hate me?
Heated debate on which is worse. Pissing your pants or puking all over yourself
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
I'm challenging a 70 yr old alcoholic woman who is half my size tonight. Wish me luck
he definitely had sex before you were fully potty trained.
He started doing the gator chop at my vag and said he couldn't wait to "chomp" on it later...and I still slept with him. I hate gainesville.
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
Bored at work. googling vodka waffles.
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
Oh and an honorable mention for your father's porn collection. Things I'll never forget.
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
You have no concept of how high I am, do you?