I've blown a few things in my day
Her boobs were tiny. I could have used her bra as a blind fold. Which in hindsight would have made things a lot better.
When your really high you cant order into a clowns mouth
i guess this means i'm going to be wearing knee socks during sex again
Booyah. Found 8000 pesos in my closet and that's apparently 608 US dollars
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
Just caught my first cougar this fake was worth every fucking penny.
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
I totally OverDed on K2 last night. I felt like I was made of lead and then I had a panic attack.
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
I was just going for a one night stand and now I'm at breakfast with his entire family.
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
they just got in argument over who had more of your dick pics. quit sending shit to my sisters fucker
Randomize
