I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
i wish starbucks made bloody marys
You tried to convince her that if she gave you head she'd hear the ocean.....
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
ISS teacher has a tramp stamp.
Shotgun.
I'm pretty sure you can't just waltz into a walk in clinic and ask them to de-baby you.
Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
When u wake up, don't be alarmed by the passed out mariachi band, they're cool. Muchos gracias
I mostly enjoyed dancing with him because his boner was scratching my bug bites.
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
Well. At least he's a gentleman. A gentleman satanist.
How the hell could he be confused. He had a naked girl running to him. I feel like he would enjoy that.
I wish I just waited long enough to hate someone to fuck one
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
If I slept with her my dick would come out glittery
coward.
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