he thought i was passed out so he proceeded to jerk off while i lay on the floor next to him
just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
For the record, a bath beer is far superior to a shower beer...
What happened to chicks over dicks?
That rule does not apply to 9 inch dicks..
I swear this guy grew up in land without leagues. someone should inform him he's way out of mine
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
Multiple bruises and a hell of a headache later, I have still to find out where the fuck I picked up the bottom half of a mannequin.
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
Straight boys are literally imbeciles. If Darwinism doesn’t get them female rage will.
Randomize
