Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
In these economic times, linking arms taking tequilla shots with your boss as an underage girl is the best job security I can think of
Facebook is asking me which Pokemon I'd be. Is there one whose only moves are gay sex and reading Adrienne Rich?
Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
Dude, she knew her leg was on fire and she kept dancing. Bad-fucking-ass.
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.
I woke up in solitary confinement, wheb they moved me the guy that sold me the pill of Molly at the concert was in the police waiting room, we nodded to each other.
Things are very odd on my 29th hour of being awake. Thought there was a bird in my lecture hall and it was just a girl putting up her hair. What even
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
I told my therapist about the other night and he actually whistled and said "wow that is not good."
Don't go to jail over some guy named Bunky
i can't hookup with him because someone else bit my vagina
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
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