Do you remember peeing on the wall and then yelling at us to stop looking at your dick?
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
I feel like the other woman.
You ARE the other woman.
No The bastards made me buy a new one, They don't cover water damage an apparently they consider salsa water damage
Man...I want to get monumentally fucked tonight.
If you can't seal the deal with her, I will. And you know I'll be successful. So there's your incentive
I was standing in my mom's kitchen in only my neon green thong, eating pizza over the garbage can, and sobbing while he was yelling at me.
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
My desire to pee is a lot higher than my need to be buzzed right now.
I went in for a high five.. He went in for a kiss.. Today is a good day
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
I have to lie to someone and move five gallons of fermenting alcohol across campus but after that i'll hit you up 4 sho
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
I think I am just gonna marry that lesbian. She is more of a respectful gentleman than any of the guys I've slept with.
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
