You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
apparently, i ordered a pogo stick last night. i can't even be mad about that.
i like him when i'm sober AND when i'm drunk.i've been searching for this my whole life
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
One night stand. Woke up at her dad's house. She already left for work. Shit's about to go down.
sooo... you have no idea who nailed their tubesocks to my wall?
Everything sucks i just wanna cry and smoke a bowl and pet my cat and die. All at the same time
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
He wore socks while I was giving him head. I couldn't even focus on his penis because of the socks.
my bed is a shrine, and I am its goddess.
if I dont text you back in 10min assume i am in fact still dizzy and injured myself in the shower. and call an ambulance. thanx.
Randomize
