Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
I have beard burns on my inner thighs. I'd say last night went pretty well.
You tried telling the RA that girl you brought home was your mom...
you know you made out with my sister while holding Ur girlfriends hand while she was puking in the toilet right
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
He is really drunk but I just found $20 so it's like I am getting paid to babysit
It's settled. One of us is going to bang her brother. The world demands justice and he's hot. We'll be the justice league if it were made of alcoholic whores
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
I'll be honest, this year's Vegas trip will be nothing short of disappointing if there's no repeat of the angry ménage a trios in a closet.
dude I fucking saw you snort tequila
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