Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.
Lots of alcohol last night skiing this morning = me throwing up off chairlift
Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face.
We boned on a bench in a park, french people were walking by cheering us on. Totally acceptable
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
Drugs are gluten free tho, right?
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
I don't even know if he's actually hot or just hot because he plays hockey..
You did not just say that.
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
Randomize
