I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
No, we're smoking outside. We're hot boxing the world.
is it sad that i think every plant i pass on the highway looks like a plant from farmville?
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.
Hungover and I may throw up in my therapist's office. Maybe he is right about my drinking
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
I dunno what's worse, the fact that I hooked up with a guy that shaves his armpits or that I didn't notice until he brought it up the next day
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
If you break up with me one more time it's over.
I've seen too many naked penises for this to be a normal Monday morning
Before making travel and hotel reservations to meet your "affair" for the first time, consult your menstrual calendar! $633 wasted!
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