Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
Thanks for talking me down from peeing on his window last night.
I am now curious as to how you would have aimed.
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
I feel the need to clarify that I did not show her my vagina.
Well, I want to see you regardless of whether or not you will lick whipped cream off my body.
That's like being smoked out by a unicorn. If the opportunity presents itself you fucking do it and don't ask questions.
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
Code 10 We gotta leave. Now. I took a dump in the upstairs toilet and its clogged and overflowing, and believe me I don't want to have to explain myself to this frat on parents weekend.
Regret, thy taste is box wine.
She was two things I dont understand: tall and Christian
My hot gay tattoo artist grew a beard and I'm not taking it well.
She has the best kind of daddy issues
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
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